So in my last post I discussed that ill feeling of not being married that tends to creep up in me every now and than. For a long time I had this belief that I was missing something and that when my husband finally comes everything will magically be all right. For years I went to scripture trying to figure out what the Bible said about marriage and dating and finding "the one". But for the scriptures I found on marriage I was coming up empty and I thought that I was not hearing from God at all. I tried looking at some of the great relationships in the Bible but nothing seemed to help me. This desire to be married and sense of emptiness began to really eat me up inside. I just did not understand why God was not giving me guidance in this area of relationships.
During this time of me searching for answers, I started to feel really convicted (far from condemned) in this area. I felt that I had made those things idols because I was putting them before God. All I could hear was a cry from God telling me to seek Him FIRST and that my wholeness was found in Him and that void I was feeling could only be filled by Him. I was experiencing God being jealous for me and it was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was actually the exact feeling that I was seeking from a man. I knew that God loved me more than any man ever could and from that day forth I began to focus on my relationship with God making it my #1 priority. I eliminated things that I felt like was hindering my walk and I stopped praying for God to send my husband. I wanted God to know that I was serious and that He was more than enough for me and that if He never gave me those things I would still love Him with my whole heart.
I began to seek out groups within my church that would help grow my relationship with God. For the past year or so all I've been doing is focusing on my relationship with God. In doing so God really began to speak to me and show me that I needed to work on becoming a better me. He started to show me some things about my ways were not His ways and were not lining up with His word. So my prayer has been for God to just show me His heart so that I can be more like Him. To love like He loves, to serve like He serves, give like He gives and show compassion like he does. I just really want to be more like Christ more than anything else in this world.
You see I have learned that God really is a jealous God. Meaning that He loves us so much that He does not want us to give away what rightly belongs to Him. He desires our honor, worship and praise and when we give that away to things and people we hurt Him. We must at all times seek Him first. It is when we show Him that He is first in our lives that He will began to give us those desires that He placed in us.
To Be Continued.............
Friday, October 10, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Perfy 30
Not long ago I celebrated my 30th Birthday. But for some of you seeing it on your Facebook calendar you would have never known. I did not post any pictures and I barely responded to Birthday wishes. You see I wanted my 30th Birthday celebration to be PERFECT and when things did not go the way I wanted them to I went into hiding hoping that that weekend could be erased and perhaps I could get a do over. I was just really bitter about my birthday and I did not want to talk to or see anybody.
You see.....I thought that I had gotten past the fact that I had not accomplished some of the things I wanted to accomplish by 30. I just knew that I was no longer bitter about not being married and having a family, but God showed me that that was the very reason why I wanted things to be so PERFECT. It was because I was internally feeling empty in that area and I just wanted one thing in my life to go as I planned. I just finally wanted to get something that I wanted when I wanted it. I know as someone that is wholeheartedly pursuing a relationship with Jesus I really should not feel that way, but quite frankly a lot of times I do. I know 100% that God's timing is PERFECT and that He has some amazing things in store for me but it is HARD walking that out daily especially when every corner you turn you see people getting the very things that you are praying for.
To be perfectly honest some days I refrain from going on social media because I frankly just can not handle seeing someone else get engaged or having a baby or getting a new job. I find myself being unhappy for them when I know that that is not God's heart at all. Those are the days I really have to get into His word and remind myself of who He is and the promises He has made to me. You see I'm learning that all of this starts in my mind so anytime those thoughts creep in I have to recognize that they aren't from God because He says that He knows the plans that He has for me to give me a future and a hope. So the minute I start thinking that these things are not going to happen for me and being bitter about it I have to cast down the negative thought because it will have me like I was after my birthday. Depressed, Unhappy and Bitter.
As I look back I kick myself because I knew better and if I would have cast those thoughts down my birthday really would have been everything that I wanted it to be. I really should have said so what the guy that was in my life at the time and others did not show up. The people that I love most in this world did. My mom told me that the people that God wanted there would be there and they were and that is really all that mattered. And I truly did have a great time. I got to spend some QT with my ladies that I do not get to see that often and we discovered that if our careers were to go south we could definitely be the next YouTube sensation. And I marked a couple things off my bucket list. I really wish that I could get a do over on this one.
I'm growing and learning day by day y'all. That is really the real of it. I have great days when I am able to cast down thoughts that do not line up with His word and I have days that I struggle. Those days I struggle bring me closer to Him because those are the days I really have to cast my cares upon Him and know that He cares for me and understands my struggle like no one else can. I'm blessed to have gotten to see my 30th Birthday and I would like to thank all those that took the time out to celebrate with me and that sent well wishes my way!
Stay Tuned To See What Else Lies Beyond The Pretty
Sincerely,
Ms. Perfectly Imperfect
P.S.
During a conversation I had recently it was brought to my attention that I wait until whatever I am going through has passed to write about it instead of writing while I'm going through it. And I can admit that I unintentionally intentionally am guilty of this but I am going to try my best to do better about that I promise.
You see.....I thought that I had gotten past the fact that I had not accomplished some of the things I wanted to accomplish by 30. I just knew that I was no longer bitter about not being married and having a family, but God showed me that that was the very reason why I wanted things to be so PERFECT. It was because I was internally feeling empty in that area and I just wanted one thing in my life to go as I planned. I just finally wanted to get something that I wanted when I wanted it. I know as someone that is wholeheartedly pursuing a relationship with Jesus I really should not feel that way, but quite frankly a lot of times I do. I know 100% that God's timing is PERFECT and that He has some amazing things in store for me but it is HARD walking that out daily especially when every corner you turn you see people getting the very things that you are praying for.
To be perfectly honest some days I refrain from going on social media because I frankly just can not handle seeing someone else get engaged or having a baby or getting a new job. I find myself being unhappy for them when I know that that is not God's heart at all. Those are the days I really have to get into His word and remind myself of who He is and the promises He has made to me. You see I'm learning that all of this starts in my mind so anytime those thoughts creep in I have to recognize that they aren't from God because He says that He knows the plans that He has for me to give me a future and a hope. So the minute I start thinking that these things are not going to happen for me and being bitter about it I have to cast down the negative thought because it will have me like I was after my birthday. Depressed, Unhappy and Bitter.
As I look back I kick myself because I knew better and if I would have cast those thoughts down my birthday really would have been everything that I wanted it to be. I really should have said so what the guy that was in my life at the time and others did not show up. The people that I love most in this world did. My mom told me that the people that God wanted there would be there and they were and that is really all that mattered. And I truly did have a great time. I got to spend some QT with my ladies that I do not get to see that often and we discovered that if our careers were to go south we could definitely be the next YouTube sensation. And I marked a couple things off my bucket list. I really wish that I could get a do over on this one.
I'm growing and learning day by day y'all. That is really the real of it. I have great days when I am able to cast down thoughts that do not line up with His word and I have days that I struggle. Those days I struggle bring me closer to Him because those are the days I really have to cast my cares upon Him and know that He cares for me and understands my struggle like no one else can. I'm blessed to have gotten to see my 30th Birthday and I would like to thank all those that took the time out to celebrate with me and that sent well wishes my way!
Stay Tuned To See What Else Lies Beyond The Pretty
Sincerely,
Ms. Perfectly Imperfect
P.S.
During a conversation I had recently it was brought to my attention that I wait until whatever I am going through has passed to write about it instead of writing while I'm going through it. And I can admit that I unintentionally intentionally am guilty of this but I am going to try my best to do better about that I promise.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Appropriate Smallness
Often times we tend to question God and ask why things are or aren't
happening to us. We often come to the conclusion that God is punishing us
for something we did or we are suffering because of a wrong decision that
we made. We beat ourselves up about our mistakes instead of understanding that
God is a loving God and He takes us through things to get us to the place He needs
us to be to help build His kingdom.
Through my own walk I have learned that during my "valley" times God is trying to get me to a place of completely trusting Him with the situation I am in or He is trying to get some mess out of me that is hindering my walk with Him. Today we shall focus on some of my mess! Believe it or not I have learned to have complete Joy when the Lord reveals to me the ugliest parts of me. It reminds me that I am perfectly imperfect!!!
I have written before that I struggle in the area of my career and I very often question God as to why it seems like I am the only one of my law school peers not practicing and not using the skills that I have been equipped with in my current position. God has repeatedly told me that it is not yet my time and I have learned to trust in God's timing in this area. However, today in His perfect love He has decided to reveal to me the why it has yet to be my time.
I am reading a book called The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg that focuses on spiritual disciplines. This morning I read Chapter 7 "Appropriate Smallness" The Practice of Servanthood. In today’s society no one wants to think of themselves as being "small." We want to be the best, brightest, smartest, flyest, etc. We all want to be the first and no one wants to be the last. In fact this sort of behavior is celebrated and the person that wants to remain in the background is often ridiculed and chastised for not being more assertive and aggressive. We may not want to admit it or honestly may not even see it, but this way of thinking is a form of Pride and for me it answered the question of why it was not yet my time.
You see for me becoming an attorney was accompanied by a sense of prestige. I had reached a certain "level" in life and it was to be celebrated. I can remember telling people that there was no way that I would even date someone that was not on my "level." I felt that being an attorney placed me on a pedestal and now I had this image that I must uphold. Do not get me wrong I know that graduating from law school and passing the bar are great accomplishments; however, God placed me in this position so that I could serve others using this unique gift that He gave me and not for me to feel like “look at me I made it!” Being a follower of Christ is all about living a life of humility. It is the anti-look at me life.
God saw the pride in me when I did not see it in myself and there was no way that I could help to advance His Kingdom with that on the inside of me. I was not yet ready. Instead, He placed me in position where I had to completely trust and depend on Him. I had this degree, but I had no money to even pay for my bar study course or to pay any of my bills during this time. I passed the bar, but still had no money to put gas in my car to get to the few interviews I was fortunate enough to be granted. And for some strange reason ALL of those interviews were followed by rejection letters. When He finally blessed me with a job and I was no longer broke, I was ashamed to tell people what I did because of the image I felt I had to uphold. For a long time I have felt like the work that I have done since passing the bar is so far beneath me. It’s like I am doing these mundane task day after day and I am like “really God? This is not what I stayed up countless nights studying and crying for.” “When is it going to be my time to shine God?”
You see I thanked God for being in a rare position of being under worked and overpaid. I trusted God and knew that He had me in this place for a reason but never did I imagine that that reason was because I was prideful. Unbeknownst to me, all this time God was just trying to show me that because of my title and achievements I had placed myself on a pedestal to where I felt that I had reached some arbitrary “level” and was beyond doing mundane tasks. I learned from the book that it is in doing the mundane tasks that God helps us to overcome that prideful spirit that tries to keep us from becoming conformed to the image of Christ. God revealed to me that pride destroys our capacity to love, it moves us to exclude instead of embrace, it moves us to bow down before a mirror rather than before God and it moves us to judge rather than to serve. All this is completely contrary to the ministry He has placed on the inside of us as one of His followers. Christ himself is the ultimate example of how to live a humble life. Although He was God, He did not think of equality with God as something to cling to, but instead He gave up His divine privileges and took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. - Philippians 2:6-11. The Lord himself said that He came not to be served but to serve.
In using the gifts that Christ has given us we aren't to look for status or clout and the only image we should be concerned with is conforming to the image of Christ. We are to use or gifts to just help people. It is when we realize that our life is not about us and who we want to be and what we want to do that we will be free from so many of the burdens we have placed on ourselves. I felt the weights lift off me this morning and my prayer is for you all reading this to experience this as well.
Until next time....Stay tuned to see what else lies Beyond The Pretty!
Through my own walk I have learned that during my "valley" times God is trying to get me to a place of completely trusting Him with the situation I am in or He is trying to get some mess out of me that is hindering my walk with Him. Today we shall focus on some of my mess! Believe it or not I have learned to have complete Joy when the Lord reveals to me the ugliest parts of me. It reminds me that I am perfectly imperfect!!!
I have written before that I struggle in the area of my career and I very often question God as to why it seems like I am the only one of my law school peers not practicing and not using the skills that I have been equipped with in my current position. God has repeatedly told me that it is not yet my time and I have learned to trust in God's timing in this area. However, today in His perfect love He has decided to reveal to me the why it has yet to be my time.
I am reading a book called The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg that focuses on spiritual disciplines. This morning I read Chapter 7 "Appropriate Smallness" The Practice of Servanthood. In today’s society no one wants to think of themselves as being "small." We want to be the best, brightest, smartest, flyest, etc. We all want to be the first and no one wants to be the last. In fact this sort of behavior is celebrated and the person that wants to remain in the background is often ridiculed and chastised for not being more assertive and aggressive. We may not want to admit it or honestly may not even see it, but this way of thinking is a form of Pride and for me it answered the question of why it was not yet my time.
You see for me becoming an attorney was accompanied by a sense of prestige. I had reached a certain "level" in life and it was to be celebrated. I can remember telling people that there was no way that I would even date someone that was not on my "level." I felt that being an attorney placed me on a pedestal and now I had this image that I must uphold. Do not get me wrong I know that graduating from law school and passing the bar are great accomplishments; however, God placed me in this position so that I could serve others using this unique gift that He gave me and not for me to feel like “look at me I made it!” Being a follower of Christ is all about living a life of humility. It is the anti-look at me life.
God saw the pride in me when I did not see it in myself and there was no way that I could help to advance His Kingdom with that on the inside of me. I was not yet ready. Instead, He placed me in position where I had to completely trust and depend on Him. I had this degree, but I had no money to even pay for my bar study course or to pay any of my bills during this time. I passed the bar, but still had no money to put gas in my car to get to the few interviews I was fortunate enough to be granted. And for some strange reason ALL of those interviews were followed by rejection letters. When He finally blessed me with a job and I was no longer broke, I was ashamed to tell people what I did because of the image I felt I had to uphold. For a long time I have felt like the work that I have done since passing the bar is so far beneath me. It’s like I am doing these mundane task day after day and I am like “really God? This is not what I stayed up countless nights studying and crying for.” “When is it going to be my time to shine God?”
You see I thanked God for being in a rare position of being under worked and overpaid. I trusted God and knew that He had me in this place for a reason but never did I imagine that that reason was because I was prideful. Unbeknownst to me, all this time God was just trying to show me that because of my title and achievements I had placed myself on a pedestal to where I felt that I had reached some arbitrary “level” and was beyond doing mundane tasks. I learned from the book that it is in doing the mundane tasks that God helps us to overcome that prideful spirit that tries to keep us from becoming conformed to the image of Christ. God revealed to me that pride destroys our capacity to love, it moves us to exclude instead of embrace, it moves us to bow down before a mirror rather than before God and it moves us to judge rather than to serve. All this is completely contrary to the ministry He has placed on the inside of us as one of His followers. Christ himself is the ultimate example of how to live a humble life. Although He was God, He did not think of equality with God as something to cling to, but instead He gave up His divine privileges and took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. - Philippians 2:6-11. The Lord himself said that He came not to be served but to serve.
In using the gifts that Christ has given us we aren't to look for status or clout and the only image we should be concerned with is conforming to the image of Christ. We are to use or gifts to just help people. It is when we realize that our life is not about us and who we want to be and what we want to do that we will be free from so many of the burdens we have placed on ourselves. I felt the weights lift off me this morning and my prayer is for you all reading this to experience this as well.
Until next time....Stay tuned to see what else lies Beyond The Pretty!
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