Its All About Me Me Me Me Me.......NOT

As usual it’s been a while since I’ve written. I always say that I am going to do better and it never really happens. So how about from now on I won’t make any promises and we shall see what happens.

I am almost 2 months into my 31^st year of life and it is the complete opposite from how I started my 30s. I won’t go relive that mess but if you are interested in reading about it click here. The two biggest things I have learned this past year are 1) It Is NOT About Me 2) Who I Am. I thought I would be writing about #2 today but as I began writing the Holy Spirit led me down the path of #1 so God willing #2 will be my next post.

In the midst of my struggles in life I more often than not ask God “why me?” I never seemed to understand the “why” behind the “what”. It was not until I surrendered to God’s will for my life that I was able to understand that the why is NOT ABOUT ME. I now understand that everything that I have been through, that I am currently going through and that I will go through all have a kingdom purpose. Whether good or bad all those situations are working together for my good so that I can bring glory to His kingdom. We always say that God blesses us to be a blessing but we never want what we have to go through to get the blessing and we definitely do not see how that valley can be the biggest blessing that we can give or receive. It is in those valleys that we come to know the true essence of who God really is and that is more than any material gift we could ever receive.

From every test comes a testimony that someone needs to hear. There is someone out there that has never known the love of a father that needs to know that we have a Father in heaven that loves us enough that He sent His son to die on a cross as us so we could be set free to experience that unconditional love. There is someone out there that has been told that they are not good enough and it made them feel less than, defeated and unworthy that needs to know that we are a chosen people, sons and daughters of the most high, fearfully and wonderfully made by God himself. There is someone out there living with the reality of unfulfilled dreams and desires that need to hear that God knows the plans He has for us to prosper us and not to harm us to give us a hope and a future and that He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we could ever ask or think!

When we are in the valley we can feel so alone and the devil will have us thinking we are the only ones that have ever experienced whatever it is that we are going through. I am humbled that God has chosen me to be a vessel to reach His people to tell them they are not alone. I consider myself blessed that God believes and trusts  enough in me to take me through these valleys and I am now ready and willing to be one of the many He uses to remind them that He will never leave us nor forsake us. It is NOT ABOUT ME and I just want to be used by Him to draw others to Him that they may come to know His love and faithfulness.

Until Next Time! 

Why "Him"?

For the longest time I have been running across posts by women on social media referring to the guy in their life as "Him" often accompanied by a picture of his arm or the back of his head. As of late these posts have really begun to flat out worry me as a woman. As most people do these days I looked to social media to give me some answers as to why these women are so reluctant to reveal the identity of their significant others but are so willing to share every other aspect of their lives? However, most people thought I was trying to be funny or trying to call people out. I was really hoping to get some understanding because I am genuinely concerned for these women. Since I really did not get much honest feedback I'm going to give you my take on the subject.

Let me first start by saying that I completely understand that what one chooses to post or not to post is completely their right. However, what I do not understand is why you want the world to know everything about  "Him" but his identity? From the limited verbal responses I received, the consensus was "Him" belongs to someone else thus preventing the poster from revealing his identity. Ladies while I understand that we all love us some Scandal and Olivia Pope, please understand that this is scripted TV and you should not base your REALITY on such. Despite what is being shown on TV understand that you should NEVER be anybody's #1 or #2 but their ONE and ONLY. If a guy is having to choose between you and someone else, make the decision easy for him and remove yourself from the situation or better yet do not put yourself in the situation in the first place. It is very true that sharing is caring but not when it comes to a man. Understand that if a man truly cares about you he would never put you in that situation. I have learned that a man will only do what you allow them to do. If you set the standard that it is cool for ya'll to be a secret please do not expect the relationship to progress to the next level and do not blame him when it doesn't. Remember he only made the "suggestion" and you either reluctantly or willingly agreed to it thus setting the standard for the future. The one thing we should take from Scandal is that nothing good comes from these sort of situations and all you end up with is heartache and pain. Four seasons in and Olivia is still the side piece. You will not be getting your happily ever after competing for a man that just wants to play games.

If we are honest, it is hard to remove ourselves from these situations because sex is usually involved. I understand that sex is more common than tissue these days and saying no or holding out is no longer socially acceptable and will 8 times out of 10 end the relationship. However, ladies you should NEVER give yourself to a man  that wants or asks you to keep your "relationship" a secret. The fact that he asked or made the suggestion should immediately throw up all types of red flags that should you run and not look back. I know you might be thinking but he's a private person.....sweetie if Him can post about his boys Him can post about you. Whether you want to believe it or not sex is way more than a physical act and just because everybody is doing does not mean that it is okay to be doing it. Sex is so much more than a physical act, it clouds your judgment and leads you to make emotional decisions. What we think is love causes us to stay in the hopes that things will change but in reality all we have done is created a soul-tie that is causing us to stay in an unhealthy situation. Despite what the world is telling you sex should not be taken lightly and should be approached with extreme caution and should only happen within the confines of a marriage relationship. While you may receive some moments of pleasure, the long term affects can be devastating. If you don't believe me, I challenge you to try taking sex out of the equation and see how much better things work out for you. 

As if the situation was not bad enough already, y'all start sleeping together without protection and you end up pregnant. Now there is a child involved and do you honestly think that this same man that has kept you a secret is going to play an active role in your child's life? Probably not since he really was not that into you from the beginning. Now ask yourself is that his fault or yours? He showed you from the beginning who he was and what he wanted, you just did not listen. I know you feel like he should take responsibility but you have to as well. And contrary to what you may think taking responsibility do not mean being your boyfriend it means being a father. I know you might say well it worked out for Yvette and Jody, but I am here to tell you that they are the exception, not the rule. If you choose to take the "relationship" to this level, be responsible and do your best to prevent bringing a life into an already unhealthy situation.

Moral of the story is posting about "Him" might get you some likes and some red bottoms but that is about all you are going to get out of it. You are setting yourself up for failure while hoping for the best. Ladies we have to do better and want better.

Until Next Time....    

He Is Jealous For Me

So in my last post I discussed that ill feeling of not being married that tends to creep up in me every now and than. For a long time I had this belief that I was missing something and that when my husband finally comes everything will magically be all right. For years I went to scripture trying to figure out what the Bible said about marriage and dating and finding "the one". But for the scriptures I found on marriage I was coming up empty and I thought that I was not hearing from God at all. I tried looking at some of the great relationships in the Bible but nothing seemed to help me. This desire to be married and sense of emptiness began to really eat me up inside. I just did not understand why God was not giving me guidance in this area of relationships.

During this time of me searching for answers, I started to feel really convicted (far from condemned) in this area. I felt that I had made those things idols because I was putting them before God. All I could hear was a cry from God telling me to seek Him FIRST and that my wholeness was found in Him and that void I was feeling could only be filled by Him. I was experiencing God being jealous for me and it was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was actually the exact feeling that I was seeking from a man. I knew that God loved me more than any man ever could and from that day forth I began to focus on my relationship with God making it my #1 priority. I eliminated things that I felt like was hindering my walk and I stopped praying for God to send my husband. I wanted God to know that I was serious and that He was more than enough for me and that if He never gave me those things I would still love Him with my whole heart.

I began to seek out groups within my church that would help grow my relationship with God. For the past year or so all I've been doing is focusing on my relationship with God. In doing so God really began to speak to me and show me that I needed to work on becoming a better me. He started to show me some things about my ways were not His ways and were not lining up with His word. So my prayer has been for God to just show me His heart so that I can be more like Him. To love like He loves, to serve like He serves, give like He gives and show compassion like he does. I just really want to be more like Christ more than anything else in this world.  

You see I have learned that God really is a jealous God. Meaning that He loves us so much that He does not want us to give away what rightly belongs to Him. He desires our honor, worship and praise and when we give that away to things and people we hurt Him. We must at all times seek Him first. It is when we show Him that He is first in our lives that He will began to give us those desires that He placed in us.

To Be Continued.............

Perfy 30

Not long ago I celebrated my 30th Birthday. But for some of you seeing it on your Facebook calendar you would have never known. I did not post any pictures and I barely responded to Birthday wishes. You see I wanted my 30th Birthday celebration to be PERFECT and when things did not go the way I wanted them to I went into hiding hoping that that weekend could be erased and perhaps I could get a do over. I was just really bitter about my birthday and I did not want to talk to or see anybody.

You see.....I thought that I had gotten past the fact that I had not accomplished some of the things I wanted to accomplish by 30. I just knew that I was no longer bitter about not being married and having a family, but God showed me that that was the very reason why I wanted things to be so PERFECT. It was because I was internally feeling empty in that area and I just wanted one thing in my life to go as I planned. I just finally wanted to get something that I wanted when I wanted it. I know as someone that is wholeheartedly pursuing a relationship with Jesus I really should not feel that way, but quite frankly a lot of times I do. I know 100% that God's timing is PERFECT and that He has some amazing things in store for me but it is HARD walking that out daily especially when every corner you turn you see people getting the very things that you are praying for.

To be perfectly honest some days I refrain from going on social media because I frankly just can not handle seeing someone else get engaged or having a baby or getting a new job. I find myself being unhappy for them when I know that that is not God's heart at all. Those are the days I really have to get into His word and remind myself of who He is and the promises He has made to me. You see I'm learning that all of this starts in my mind so anytime those thoughts creep in I have to recognize that they aren't from God because He says that He knows the plans that He has for me to give me a future and a hope. So the minute I start thinking that these things are not going to happen for me and being bitter about it I have to cast down the negative thought because it will have me like I was after my birthday. Depressed, Unhappy and Bitter.

As I look back I kick myself because I knew better and if I would have cast those thoughts down my birthday really would have been everything that I wanted it to be. I really should have said so what the guy that was in my life at the time and others did not show up. The people that I love most in this world did. My mom told me that the people that God wanted there would be there and they were and that is really all that mattered. And I truly did have a great time. I got to spend some QT with my ladies that I do not get to see that often and we discovered that if our careers were to go south we could definitely be the next YouTube sensation. And I marked a couple things off my bucket list. I really wish that I could get a do over on this one.

I'm growing and learning day by day y'all. That is really the real of it. I have great days when I am able to cast down thoughts that do not line up with His word and I have days that I struggle. Those days I struggle bring me closer to Him because those are the days I really have to cast my cares upon Him and know that He cares for me and understands my struggle like no one else can. I'm blessed to have gotten to see my 30th Birthday and I would like to thank all those that took the time out to celebrate with me and that sent well wishes my way!


Stay Tuned To See What Else Lies Beyond The Pretty

Sincerely,

Ms. Perfectly Imperfect

P.S.

During a conversation I had recently it was brought to my attention that I wait until whatever I am going through has passed to write about it instead of writing while I'm going through it. And I can admit that I unintentionally intentionally am guilty of this but I am going to try my best to do better about that I promise.

Appropriate Smallness

Often times we tend to question God and ask why things are or aren't happening to us. We often come to the conclusion that God is punishing us for something we did or we are suffering because of a wrong decision that we made. We beat ourselves up about our mistakes instead of understanding that God is a loving God and He takes us through things to get us to the place He needs us to be to help build His kingdom. 

Through my own walk I have learned that during my "valley" times God is trying to get me to a place of completely trusting Him with the situation I am in or He is trying to get some mess out of me that is hindering my walk with Him. Today we shall focus on some of my mess! Believe it or not I have learned to have complete Joy when the Lord reveals to me the ugliest parts of me. It reminds me that I am perfectly imperfect!!!

I have written before that I struggle in the area of my career and I very often question God as to why it seems like I am the only one of my law school peers not practicing and not using the skills that I have been equipped with in my current position. God has repeatedly told me that it is not yet my time and I have learned to trust in God's timing in this area. However, today in His perfect love He has decided to reveal to me the why it has yet to be my time.

I am reading a book called The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg that focuses on spiritual disciplines. This morning I read Chapter 7 "Appropriate Smallness" The Practice of Servanthood.  In today’s society no one wants to think of themselves as being "small." We want to be the best, brightest, smartest, flyest, etc. We all want to be the first and no one wants to be the last. In fact this sort of behavior is celebrated and the person that wants to remain in the background is often ridiculed and chastised for not being more assertive and aggressive. We may not want to admit it or honestly may not even see it, but this way of thinking is a form of Pride and for me it answered the question of why it was not yet my time.

You see for me becoming an attorney was accompanied by a sense of prestige. I had reached a certain "level" in life and it was to be celebrated. I can remember telling people that there was no way that I would even date someone that was not on my "level." I felt that being an attorney placed me on a pedestal and now I had this image that I must uphold. Do not get me wrong I know that graduating from law school and passing the bar are great accomplishments; however, God placed me in this position so that I could serve others using this unique gift that He gave me and not for me to feel like “look at me I made it!” Being a follower of Christ is all about living a life of humility. It is the anti-look at me life.

God saw the pride in me when I did not see it in myself and there was no way that I could help to advance His Kingdom with that on the inside of me. I was not yet ready. Instead, He placed me in position where I had to completely trust and depend on Him. I had this degree, but I had no money to even pay for my bar study course or to pay any of my bills during this time. I passed the bar, but still had no money to put gas in my car to get to the few interviews I was fortunate enough to be granted. And for some strange reason ALL of those interviews were followed by rejection letters. When He finally blessed me with a job and I was no longer broke, I was ashamed to tell people what I did because of the image I felt I had to uphold. For a long time I have felt like the work that I have done since passing the bar is so far beneath me. It’s like I am doing these mundane task day after day and I am like “really God? This is not what I stayed up countless nights studying and crying for.” “When is it going to be my time to shine God?”

You see I thanked God for being in a rare position of being under worked and overpaid. I trusted God and knew that He had me in this place for a reason but never did I imagine that that reason was because I was prideful. Unbeknownst to me, all this time God was just trying to show me that because of my title and achievements I had placed myself on a pedestal to where I felt that I had reached some arbitrary “level” and was beyond doing mundane tasks. I learned from the book that it is in doing the mundane tasks that God helps us to overcome that prideful spirit that tries to keep us from becoming conformed to the image of Christ. God revealed to me that pride destroys our capacity to love, it moves us to exclude instead of embrace, it moves us to bow down before a mirror rather than before God and it moves us to judge rather than to serve. All this is completely contrary to the ministry He has placed on the inside of us as one of His followers. Christ himself is the ultimate example of how to live a humble life. Although He was God, He did not think of equality with God as something to cling to, but instead He gave up His divine privileges and took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. - Philippians 2:6-11. The Lord himself said that He came not to be served but to serve.

In using the gifts that Christ has given us we aren't to look for status or clout and the only image we should be concerned with is conforming to the image of Christ. We are to use or gifts to just help people. It is when we realize that our life is not about us and who we want to be and what we want to do that we will be free from so many of the burdens we have placed on ourselves. I felt the weights lift off me this morning and my prayer is for you all reading this to experience this as well.

 Until next time....Stay tuned to see what else lies Beyond The Pretty!

           

 

She Can Only Be Her

So recently (like Saturday) a friend asked me to be a part of a new segment on her blog. She wants to spotlight accomplished black women and style them  in 3 different looks while featuring their accomplishments. My first reaction was ummmm she (yes thanks to Tamar I now frequently refer to myself in the 3rd person) has not accomplished anything. She shares an apartment with a roommate, works at a job where she is overpaid and under worked, is not married and does not have one of the many babies she has always dreamed of having. It was as if I was saying out loud for the first time my many shortcomings and it stung more than I thought it would. But true to form, my friend snapped me back to reality and helped to point out how far I've actually come.

Without realizing it, I had started to compare myself to others and was measuring my accomplishments based on what others were doing. I even found myself questioning God and wondering why not me. Why don't I have the nice comfy firm job like most of my law school classmates? Why don't I have the husband and children like EVERYONE I see on Facebook? Why am I still renting instead of owning my own home? Just why God why?

The “plan” was to have my career, husband, house and 3 children by 29 and here I am 29 with none of these things. I rarely say these things out loud and I would never dare to say it to the Lord. I was crazy enough to think that Jesus didn't know what was in my heart when in actuality "for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." - Matthew 6:8. I was honestly thinking that because I am not in the place where I thought I would be that I am not worthy of being featured as an "accomplished" black women. However, I was forgetting one important thing "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him."

God in his infinite wisdom showed me that I have to stop comparing myself to other people and stop thinking because they "have it" so should I. We were not all meant to walk down the same path and we all have a different function in the Kingdom of God. For Romans 12:4-6 tells us "For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us." In all actuality since undergrad not much has worked out for me how and when I thought it would. The plan was to go to law school right after undergrad but right after turned into two years later but it did eventually happen. I was supposed to move to DC right after taking the bar but it did eventually happen seven months later. God reminded me Saturday that the things He has promised me may not have happened in my timing but they have happened in His perfect timing.

The most important thing I got out of my encounter with God Saturday is that I have to stop looking at myself through my own eyes and start seeing myself the way God sees me. You see God saw Abram as the father of many nations so He started calling Him Abraham, He saw Sarai as the mother of many nations from which kings of people will come and He started to call her Sarah. You see in their old age and before they even conceived a child together God saw into their future. Despite them laughing at Him He called them by what they were going to become and not how they saw themselves now. See we have to trust and believe that when the Lord says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" He means just that. God used my friend to show me that the things that I was looking at as shortcomings were merely things He saw as not yet accomplished.

I thank God that when I need Him most He is right there to remind me who He is and what He has been to me. You see Jesus reminded me through my friend that I have accomplished more than I ever could’ve dreamed of. I have come from being a girl in Liberty City (one of the cities featured on First 48) that was raised by a single mother of four, to a God fearing woman with the ability to practice law. I may not have a job in a firm "practicing" law daily but I am licensed in two jurisdictions and I have the ability to practice what I want, when I want and how I want. I may not have a ring on my finger but I have a man that loves me like Christ loves His church. I know (although I have to constantly remind myself) that the plans that the Lord has for me are greater than anything I can ever imagine.

In the words of one of the greatest to ever play the game...."For me, I can't worry about what everybody says about me. I'm Alkeyvia Walker, from Miami, Florida. From the inner city. I'm not even supposed to be here." That's enough. Every time I sign a document and I am able to put ESQ behind it, I'm blessed. So what everybody say about me outside of the courtroom don't matter. I ain't got no worries."

Until next time. Follow me to see what else lies Beyond The Pretty!

Shouts out to my girl miyathebee87 for giving me the reality check I needed. Love ya to pieces hun. Check out her blog www.miyathebeefashion.wordpress.com.

Justice For Trayvon - Truth Moment

Since the Trayvon Martin verdict came down social media has been outraged at our "failed justice system." I can admit that my first thought was "its times like this I do not like being associated with our justice system." But shortly thereafter someone reminded me that the reason I became apart of this system was to be an advocate that could relate to the struggles of my clients.

I have been struggling with whether I should comment on some of the posts that have flooded my timelines and after having a conversation with a friend I decided to write this post instead. I believe it is time for a truth moment.

I'm sure you all have seen the posts with the quote "A system cannot fail those it was never built to protect." While I agree that this statement is completely true, it baffles me that if we really believe this, then why do we continue to make decisions where we repeatedly subject ourselves to such a system? How do we do this, allow me to explain.....

1) Instead of education being the number one priority for our children we are more focused on them winning best dressed. It is sad that at an elementary school age children are more concerned about what shoes they have on their feet and what label they have written across their behinds than they are about their education. But we can't blame them because they are just going off the actions of their parents. We stand in line for hours to get them the new Js, but don't take the time out to go to PTA meetings or help with homework. I constantly see parents posting more pictures of their children's outfits than their success in the classroom. We constantly reward them for being mediocre in school instead of instilling the fear of God in them when they bring home bad grades. When I was growing up I was never rewarded for bringing home anything less than an A. Nowadays I see parents proud that their children don't have Ds and Fs. We know all the latest brands but are clueless about the college admissions process.

2) Instead of instilling in our little black boys to make their education their number one priority, we place athletics above everything. The last time I checked colleges and universities refer to their students with athletic abilities as STUDENT-Athletes. However, in our community we worry about the athletics first and the student later. Parents pack the stands on game day but once again are a no show at the school. Why is it that their is always a question as to whether the "star" athlete in the city will be academically eligible to participate in collegiate sports? Or why is that he has to take his standardized tests 3 or 4 times before he gets a score that qualifies him for admission into college. Or even better why is it that his white college teammate is starting college as a sophomore and he's taking remedial English and Math? I will tell you why, because practice comes before homework and paying the money for him to look good takes priority over paying for that study guide or tutor he needs to be successful in the classroom.

3) Instead of creating our own empire and investing our money in property ownership, we choose to invest our money in labels like Nike, True Religion, Michael Kors and Christian Louboutin to sustain their empires. I mention property ownership because it is property taxes that determine how much money is given to our schools. If you live an area that consists of only rentals, do the math and tell me how much money if any is going to the school? So how can we complain that our schools aren't getting adequate funding, when all the "funding" we get is being spent on labels. It's crazy how many Instagramers apartment's closests are filled with Jordans and Red Bottoms.

As a result of looks being placed above education, the mentality becomes I have to get these Js or this outfit by any means. It pains me to see the number of young people that are falling victim to this "unjust" system because they feel the need to have to steal or sale drugs just so they can "look good" going to school without as much as a thought as to how this decision will affect their future. Where I'm from "boosters" are being praised and the mentality has become why get a job and work for it when I can steal it for free?

Bottom line is we as a people have our PRIORITIES all mixed up and in order to prevent future Trayvon situations from happening we have to start making better decisions. This microwave mentality may work for our counterparts but the reality is we have to work twice as hard to get what we want. It is not right but life is not always about right and wrong and this is our reality. It is time out for pointing the finger at "the man" for the reason why we are where we are and it is time for taking a long look at the person in the mirror. We can start changing the world by starting in our households and families. Stop rewarding these children for being mediocre and start pushing them to be great so that they can be lawyers, judges, police and probation officers and jurors. We can't keep complaining about an unjust system if we are unwilling to do our part and put people in positions that can affect change.

DISCLAIMER
I am not saying for one second that it is Trayvon's or his parents' fault that he is not here with us today. I had the honor of meeting his parents and the pain that I saw on their faces will forever be etched in my mind and heart. Zimmerman was wrong and I am sure he will pay for what he has done.
What I am saying is that the jury consisted of 5 white women and 1 hispanic. The prosecution and defense attorneys as well as the judge were all white. Therefore, for this situation to not happen again more people that look like us and understand our struggle have to occupy those positions and that starts and ends with being educated.

Until next time....